Stop to pause........

“If you write for God you will reach many men and bring them joy. If you write for men--you may make some money and you may give someone a little joy and you may make a noise in the world, for a little while. If you write for yourself, you can read what you yourself have written and after ten minutes you will be so disgusted that you will wish that you were dead.” 
― Thomas Merton, Seeds of Contemplation


As I pause along my path in life I realize I am now on a different journey. The one before started at 19yrs of age married to my Richard. Now he has left, shed his mortal body and exists someplace else. Besides leaving a void in my life he left me with the strength to move on....believe in myself....trust my own instincts more and bounce off my thoughts within myself.....Some days I can't believe he has gone and others I am at peace knowing he isn't suffering anymore.

His passing has put my own life into a deeper understanding of just how fragile we all are. Before I had him as my rock with someone to lean on when I needed that security and questions answered. The times I had pain waiting for a lab test results or falling on ice training for a marathon breaking bones with torn ligaments: he was there to hold me, lift me up, keep me safe and loved.  Now it's just me. Yes I have our children to try and take his place but it's not the same, is it?

So my new journey has me pondering more than ever these days as I wander down this garden path of  Life.

It doesn't matter who reads these words as all it is is an expression of my heart, my soul. It matters the Father, our Source, knows it and as for me I can look back on the words and either laugh or think folly of my meanderings. Just like TM said in the above quote.

It was through TM's writings about God and his spiritual path THE SEVEN STOREY MOUNTAIN that was gifted to me by my sister's boyfriend when I was 15 as my sister must have told him how weird I was for a teenager, not running off after boys but into the spiritual stuff. It was rare back then, not like it is today. So he must have taken pity on me. Looking back I wish he had written a message inside that book as I still have it. The book completely changed my life and journey. I went the route of TM, converted to Catholicism like he did and even sought the monastic life like he did. In great frustration my simple prayer was Father show me the way...is it the married life or the monastic one?  Couple days later I met Richard. Only our eyes met as he walked out of the computer room and I walked in. But that's another story. A voice inside my head said ONE DAY YOU WILL MARRY HIM.  And I sure did.

It's amazing what one picks up in memories as you contemplate your walk down a garden path, stop to smell or touch what you have created in your mind; flowers that don't exist on planet Earth, weeds that sing "I am worth something", stones that beg to be touched, the humming of nature, the birds, just everything. My garden path is my own reality. Who I meet along the way is all part of my dream and that role besides being real to me stirs up a memory, thought, idea or what needs to be at that moment.

I like to believe Charles Dickens had his own Garden Path.  For he did say his characters were from people he met, saw, felt while taking his walks on the streets of London. The ineffable names he came up with most surely was from his "internal" garden path....one has to laugh. He made me laugh and cry reading his words and learning about his life. His sorrow when a character died, his isolation at times over his creation when it wasn't going well and the joys when it was.  Gee, as a soul trapped inside a bag of flesh and bones, one has to view how our Father, our Source, our Creator must feel about us.

So these pauses along the way....they're good. But don't stop too long as one must move on. As I keep saying about my journey with Richie....I must move on. If I stay paused I will surely go insane.